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I Am Tired of Not Living

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I Am Tired of Not Living

Annabelle Vincent

I am tired of not living

I am tired of having to bump shoulders with death

to realize what it means to be alive

I am tired of not leaping out of bed to beat the sunrise

blasting through life with a full heart that yells

let go!

let go!

leap!

only collapsing when the day is done

into white cloud-like sheets

and being pulled under the sea of blankets

by a lover who says

loving me is not a choice

but what he is here to do

 

I am tired of seeing humans half-assing their lives

work is still work

even if you love it 

do what you love

let it kill you

they say

fuck that

we need to goddamn play

I am tired of seeing humans chained to their desks

captivated by their screens

and not drunk in awe of the fleshy beating heart

sitting across from them

in human form

and waking up in a plastic house

cemented on pavement

to the hum and buzz of cars

hurry the fuck up already

we are all so far up our fucking asses

we think we are the kings of the road

and that it is more important to rush

than to be safe

that our phone calls are more urgent 

than to live

live,

fuckers,

live

 

I am tired of having to drive outside of the boundaries of the city

beyond wide buildings that make me feel claustrophobic

I must run away

to let my eyes wander

across the horizon

open space calms us

it’s xanax without the poison

I need nature to soothe me like the mother she is

I need my lips to be kissed with salt

my body caressed by sand 

and for the ocean to take me like a lover

that it needed all along

 

we spend so much time chasing purpose

we forget to enjoy the process

one day you’ll be dead, darling

and what will you have done?

spent years wishing your bank account was filled with a five followed by six zeros

your wallet so fat it burst?

spent hours criticizing your every pore in the mirror?

spent eternity wishing you could let go 

leap into the unknown

and learn what it really means to be alive

from the europeans who take countless holidays

midday naps

sex before coffee

and drink in sunshine 

day after day?

 

we are all living in our heads

yet our mouths stop running

we are speechless

when we see someone living in their bodies

our soul sighs in relief

ah

yes

there they are!

how we do one thing is how we do all things

and seeing someone live

grounded in their bodies

moving through the world from their hips

these humans are the freshest breath of mountain air

our heart says

oh

this

this is what I need

 

I am tired of not living

let go,

darling,

leap.